What is this?... Where did it come from?...Why did it come from the tree?...And then it grows into a tree?...Why?
And I often think about how many acorns do not grow into trees.
Yesterday I lost the baby.
Just the thought of this new baby brought us joy! Now I am often walking around confused, sad, empty, sometimes numb. Sometimes I've taken out my frustration on others, but I'm trying really hard not to. When it was happening, I often succeeded in distracting myself and stopped thinking about what was happening. Other times I can't escape it and break down in tears.
When I lay in bed at night and have run out of distractions, so many things run through my head that I want to say. Some of them are here, but I'm sure not all of it is. The next couple of weeks will be hard as I need time to rest and heal. I'm not good at sitting still, especially when I have so much to do and don't have a little baby to tie me down. In fact, I have two wonderful young saplings to keep up with. (They went to a friend's house and Grandma's yesterday, and I miss them already!)
Life is so fragile, and it seems especially so for the very young and very old. When we got married we tried to pot an Oak tree for our unity ceremony. That tree didn't make it either. But established Oak trees are remarkably resilient. We have strong roots to support us, and are growing more everyday.
It seems strange to be sharing this horrible news when many had not yet heard the good news. But I have seen so many other women bravely share their stories so that others might not feel alone. This is still so fresh, I can't tell you how to cope. I don't know what the coming days will bring. How long will it take to get back to normal? Does it get back to normal? But I want to let others dealing with this loss know, you are not alone. One in four pregnancies ends in loss. Don't wait until whatever awareness month. If you think it will help you, share your loss when you are feeling it; when those that love you can make a difference with their support.
And thank you to our friends and family for all the support you continue to give us.